Last week I posted Part One of Bill Gaultiere’s Blog Post: Jesus Set Boundaries originally posted on www.soulsheparding.org. If you missed last week you can read the whole blog post HERE. This week I am posting Part Two of the blog which discusses why we have problems setting boundaries for ourselves sometimes.
Jesus Set Boundaries: Part Two (By Bill Gaultiere)
Problems Setting Boundaries
Tired care-givers often have trouble saying no and avoid speaking the truth in love. They are more readily drawn into trying to rescue other people and without realizing it may end up enabling selfish or irresponsible behavior in the people they’re trying to help. They may get so enmeshed with the people they care for, trying to continually to please them and walking on eggshells for fear of upsetting them, that they “lose themselves.” They lose track of what they need and what’s important to them or what God has called them to do. At some point they may realize that they’re not being their true, God created and God redeemed self.
Usually people who minister to others as pastors or counselors are sensitive-hearted and prone to take on other people’s problems. If they don’t have clear personal boundaries and limits they get weighed down and walked on. Eventually they start having problems with anger, resentment, stress overload, or burn out. They just can’t continue being so helpful and caring all the time!
I Thought it Wasn’t Nice to Say No
In the early years of my ministry as a counselor and pastor, like many Christian leaders, I had the problem of feeling guilty if I set boundaries. I thought I had to say yes to what people felt they needed from me. I tried to please people and make them happy — I never wanted anyone to be disappointed or upset with me. To me it seemed selfish or “not nice” to say no to people with hurts and needs.
Finally I realized that I was not experiencing Jesus’ words, “It’s more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). The problem was me! I was not a cheerful giver. I was giving out of compulsion and emptiness and wasn’t experiencing the grace of God abounding to me so that I could become a cheerful giver (2 Corinthians 9:7-9). I wasn’t looking to God enough, but was relying on myself to do more to help other people.
My pressured, enmeshed, and selfless way of helping others was causing me to be more and more anxious, depressed, and angry.
Setting Boundaries in Jesus’ Way (Why He didn’t Burnout!)
One of the things that helped turn me around before I totally burned out was to look prayerfully at the life of Jesus. I studied the gospels carefully and learned some things that surprised me because I hadn’t been taught them in church. I saw Jesus setting boundaries repeatedly.
I share the full results of this study into the confident and peace-filled life of Jesus and which he offers to us in my book Your Best Life In Jesus’ Easy Yoke. Here are a few thoughts…
I discovered that in his humanity Jesus had limitations that he accepted in a relaxed way. Like being in a human body that needed nourishment and rest and could only be in one place at at time. Like there only being 24-hours in a day. (Unlike the ambitious, overworking leaders I’ve talked with Jesus didn’t try to accomplish 26 hours of activity in a 24 hour day.)
Jesus had personal needs that he put priority on — sometimes even over the needs of other people — and he did so without feeling guilty. Primarily his personal soul care had to do with separating himself from people to be alone with God, who he called “Abba” (Papa). Jesus lived in a rhythm of life that not only kept him free from burn out, but far beyond that it kept him full of God, full of grace and truth, and therefore ready and able to be compassionate and generous in his his response to people, their needs, interruptions, and crisis situations.
Unlike many other servants of the Lord, Jesus did not live on the defensive, overextending himself and getting more and more tired and then finally taking a break. Instead, Jesus lived on the offensive in dealing with temptation and Satan. He was proactive in that he consistently invested in his intimacy with Abba and this gave him energy and focus. Because he lived this way he was never in danger of burnout.
Another thing I saw in the gospels is that Jesus wasn’t always nice to people. Often he didn’t do what people wanted him to do. There were many people he didn’t help. And whenever he did help other people he expected them to do their part. For instance, even in Jesus’ miracles he asked people to do something, usually something they felt they couldn’t do. (The blind man had to walk a long way to get to the pool of Siloam to wash the mud out of his eyes.)
These understandings about Jesus’ way of life helped me to trust that it was right (not only healthy, but also holy) for me to learn how to say no to people, speak the truth in love, and live within my personal limitations.